Saturday, August 04, 2007

I Love You, Google

Buy up everything. I don't care if you run the entire Internet. You bring me happiness in three-word search strings, and the world to my monitor. If I were single, I would totally date you, just so I could turn to you during movies and ask, "Could that really happen?"

I haven't done one of these in a really, really long time, so I thought I'd look back today at The Week In Google, and collect some of my favorite searches that brought people here to this site. Some I can explain, some I can't, but can guess at, and some leave me clueless. So--away we go!

belinda
Frankly, this one shocked me, and, wondering how many pages of Google search returns one had to wade through to find ME in the whole wide world of Belindas, I went and looked. Imagine my surprise to find myself in the top ten, out of eleven million returns about Belinda! Bizarre.

"trust me I'm a ninja"
Don't. I'm not. I mean, sure, go ahead and trust me, because I am generally pretty trustworthy (as long as you understand that that's not the same thing as being "reliable," since I am a notorious flake), but don't do it on the basis that I am a ninja. That sort of thing is better left to this guy.

"poodles eyes"
I would give anything to know what this searcher was wanting to learn, because odds are, I coulda helped 'em out. In case you're just wondering what a poodle's eyes should look like, let me just inform you, because chances are you haven't seen many correct poodle eyes. From the PCA/AKC poodle breed standard, poodles' eyes should be: Very dark, oval in shape and set far enough apart and positioned to create an alert intelligent expression. Major Faults: Eyes round, protruding, large or very light. If you are out there, "poodles eyes" searcher, please feel free to email me.

my skirt twirl
I'm not telling you what makes my skirt twirl.

hotel experience letters
Is someone looking for them? If so, I hope you found my open letter to the hotel industry.

first weeks of preK
We don't start officially for another couple of weeks, so ask me again sometime in September.

turn camera off and back on again
I did! I still look 40 years old in all the pictures!

pony perfect party
I'm not sure what makes a party "pony perfect," but as far as perfect pony parties, I've got that covered.

shattered navicular
Yup, got one of those. My right foot is affectionately referred to as "Frankenfoot." What are your specific questions? Mine is now held together with metal hardware and a heapin' helpin' of bone harvested from my own hip. Really.

neti pot
You can't swing a cat around here without hitting a mention of me pouring salt-water through my sinuses. I am a firm believer in the power of the neti pot.

shirley q liquor fight songs
Well, here's the hilarious Razorback version, and more are linked in this post.

how to trick a burglar alarm
Don't do that. Seriously. I'm a little unnerved that lazy criminals are now apparently just Googling ways to commit crimes. This one probably happened because I once wrote about PIR sensors and Automatic Temperature Compensation. What? This ain't JUST a "mommyblog," you know!

movies about poodles
None to my knowledge. Maybe I should make one.

satin balls
SEVERAL searches. Whatever you're thinking, it's probably not what you think.

OK GOD I'm Googling You
And they wound up here. And for that, I'm sorry, because I'm not even one of God's halfway decent proxies. I'm intrigued by this search phrase, too. It's more like a threat than a query, no?

Paul Terek
ninja warrior paul morgan hamm
This happens a lot, because I am totally geeked out over the Japanese feats-of-agility-and-strength gameshow, "Ninja Warrior," or "Sasuke," and "The Women of Ninja Warrior," or "Kuno Ichi" and have written about them often. Paul Terek, the U.S. Olympic decathlete, was probably one of the U.S.'s best representatives so far in the competition, and Paul and Morgan Hamm, the Olympic gymnasts, didn't do too badly, either, but none of them made it past the third level, and NO ONE compares to the stud that is Makoto Nagano. OK, I have to stop now, or...well, or I'll just keep going. I'm waiting with 'bated breath to see the 18th Ninja Warrior tournament that was held in March, even though I already know how it turned out (see? Huge fangeek). From what I understand, the contestants now must jump from one level of the grip hang to the next, and, and...OK. Deep breath. Seriously. Done now.

free boobs 38d
Dude. Beggars can't be choosers. If you're looking for "free boobs," you're gonna have to be prepared to take what you get. There's only one way this search brought anyone here, because there have only been boobs featured on this site once or twice, and that was when they were adorned with Bad Monkey, as all boobs should be at some point, and in Sweetney's dunce corner.

make virtual poop
Hey, if you have as many bowel problems as I do, sometimes virtual poop is the best you can hope for. It turns out, I actually once titled a post with the phrase "virtual poop." Who remembers things like that?

xmkids mindy
Speaking of MAKING VIRTUAL POOP! In a post LAST YEAR, I complained about how jarring and stupid and horrible I find "The Absolutely Mindy Show" on XMKids radio to be, and how I feel that the far superior show is Kenny Curtis' "Animal Farm" show in the morning. That's it. I hate "The Absolutely Mindy Show." Hate it. HATE IT. And this is my blog. Where I frequently post my opinions on things. It wasn't like I was talking politics, religion, class warfare, racial tension, or even boxers vs. briefs. It was just a post about a stupid kids' radio show. Emphasis on the "stupid."

I know that the show must have fans, or else it wouldn't be on the air--not for long, anyway. The fact that there are kids who enjoy this show is undeniable. The fact that there are ADULTS who enjoy this show is somewhat more inexplicable to me, but still, you know...okay. To each his own, and all that. I'm not personally offended by the existence of Mindy fansites...I just DON'T VISIT THEM. And that is why I find it absolutely baffling that Mindy fans, doing Google searches for Mindy information, would click on the link to that old post of mine, which is titled in such a way as to make it clear that I AM NOT A FAN. If you love something, why read the posts of someone who hates that thing? It just doesn't make sense. Life is too short. If you love Mindy, then by all means, EMBRACE Mindy!

And yet, once every few weeks, some brave "anonymous" finds that old post, and writes a lengthy and scathing (or so they think) rebuttal opinion about how great Absolutely Mindy is. For a while, I would respond with, "Hey, more power to you, but I still don't like it," type comments. When they got uglier, I just deleted any comment left by an anonymous source. Then, today, I got the ugliest comment in the history of this blog (seriously--that's how mild things are around here), from some doofus ostensibly named "Joe," whose link led to an offshore gambling site. Those sleazy gamblers LOVE them some Mindy, apparently.

I deleted "Joe's" comment, and locked down comments on that oh-so-controversial post (again, seriously--do you believe it?). But I feel it my duty to share "Joe's" most impressive witticism here, because he obviously thought REALLY hard to come up with it. He repeatedly referred to me as "BLOWlinda." And that wasn't even really a jab at me, but at my daughter at the age of two, who couldn't pronounce "absolutely," and instead said "assolutely." Isn't that "Joe" great? Don't you want to be "Joe's" friend, and exchange clever repartee with him? I could not stop laughing. And though it has nothing to do with the actress/radio personality who plays Mindy, I still hate The Absolutely Mindy Show. I make this distinction because other bloggers have apparently been threatened with Mindy's numerous awards by Mindy's mother for dissing her. I'm sure Melinda and I could be great friends, if she'd promise to never, ever use that "Mindy" voice within 2.5 miles of my ears.

zach grocery ninja
I have a cousin named Zach, but he is not, to my knowledge, a "grocery ninja," although that would be wicked cool. Of course, if he WERE a grocery ninja, he'd hardly go about advertising the fact, would he? (Zach--seriously: hook me up if you're the grocery ninja, mmkay?)

what do poodles eat
Uh...really? Why, black truffles, steak tartare, caramel popcorn balls, Cool Ranch Doritos, and pistachio gelatto. What else? Also, see "Satin Balls," above.

arkansas pain doctors endometriosis
OK, I'm not going to mess around with this one. There aren't any. The only surgery that does away with endometriosis on a cellular level is not performed in Arkansas, and is, in fact, only performed in a handful of U.S. locations. I can personally recommend Dr. Andrew Cook, who is now in California. In all of Arkansas, last I checked, there were only TWO reproductive endocrinologists in the state. If you want more information on my experience, the procedures I've undergone, the doctors I've seen, or anything else, please feel free to email me at ninjapoodlesATgmailDOTcom. I've been through it all, and this disease came within about six months of killing me. So I am compelled to speak about it. You can also search this blog, or just add "ninjapoodles" to any search phrase about endo on Google, and get a mess of hits.

That wraps up tonight's "clip show," and I'm proud to announce that I still hold my highest personal internet honor, which is that this blog remains the #1 AND #2 return in a Google search for "aluminum underpants."

17 comments:

  1. Errr... virtual poop?

    At least now I know where those really odd Google search referrals are coming from!

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  2. Aha, but not hit 1 and 2 for "aluminium underpants"! Credit for that goes to those discussing the infamous "aluminium underpants day!" perpetrated by Timmy and Greg on season 5 of Big Brother AU.

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  3. Maybe in Australian Google. Over here at Google.com, it's all me. ;-)

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  4. It's nice to see you are still at the top for aluminum underpants:o) Most of my weird hits have "poodle" in them. Maybe I need to do a post and look all my weird ones up!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Zach, the grocery ninjaAugust 5, 2007 at 12:29 PM

    shhhh....don't tell anyone.

    ReplyDelete
  6. But I HAVE COUPONS. If we could combine our powers, we could RULE THE GROCERY WORLD.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey, guys--"Joe" was here again! Awesome. Didn't make any sense, but made an appearance. And hey, "Joe?" You got one thing right: It IS my playground! And I can do anything I want here! And you know what? Get your own playground, and SO CAN YOU! Isn't the internet great?

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  8. RE: Google Searches - Since you are so high up on the list of the world's Belindas, I will now refer to you as The Belinda. Ladies and Gentlemen, The Belinda.

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  9. I thank you, most graciously.
    *trips and falls down while trying to curtsy*

    ReplyDelete
  10. I TOTALLY missed that! The only person (er, yeah..."person") I've ever heard pronounce it that way out loud in my LIFE? Bugs Bunny.

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  11. hahaha grocery ninjas don't need coupons! ps. you're now google's #1 link for "zach grocery ninja."

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  12. What, not tater guns? Nobody was out there searching for a quality tuber projectile?

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  13. I googled "ninjas are throwing poodles into grocery bags and inflaming my endometriosis" and thankfully, I found your site where all was explained in simple plain english.

    I may have to call upon your recommended doctor if he's in California. Until then, this vicodin is for you, The Belinda!

    Mia
    www.giddygirlie.com

    ReplyDelete
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